California Christmas 2011

December in L.A. is ripe pomegranates, avocados and citrus and finally the end of the fresh tomatoes. It is the leaves falling off the sycamores, (only to re-foliate themselves in a couple of short months…) It is frost in Topanga and clear, sunny days in the 50s and 60s. It is fake snow and a holiday water fountain at The Grove. It is red bows on the topiaries in Santa Monica. It is holiday tamale season. It is parties. It is cars decorated with wreaths and reindeer antlers. It is movie premiere season and awards hype. It is Las Posadas on Olvera Street with atole and pan dulce. It is lights on palm trees. It is poinsettias growing on the front porch. It is starting to feel familiar to me. This is my third Christmas here. Can’t believe it!

I found myself remembering my old house in the woods in western Maine this week. Back then I made most of my own presents. I even made my own wrapping paper! I remember the light from the grey, snow filled skies, and the crackling sound of the fire against the silence of the frozen winter woods. How far I am from that time now in so many ways! But really, the rhythms of the season, the flurry of activities, and the spirit of warmth and giving and spending lots of time with the family remain, no matter if I am in snowy woods or the strip mall filled San Fernando Valley.

This year we threw a big party on the solstice, which was kind of a feat with an 10 week old. It was a success though and fun was had by all, (I hope!). We had Mexican hot chocolate and glug and overflowing tables of snacks and a fire in the hearth and out in the fire pit in the yard. Torin was passed around the party and managed to fight off sleep until much later than usual. Before that was the gift shipping day to family on the east coast, in which I appeared as a cross between a kangaroo and Santa, with Torin strapped to the front and a massive ikea bag of gifts on my back as I crossed the streets in Santa Monica. Before the party also came a huge grocery shopping expedition with multiple lists and bags piled in the car and more than one nursing session for Torin in the supermarket bathroom as we ran from store to store for several hours to get all of the ingredients for special holiday recipes. Then there was the last minute gift scramble and the longer than it seems like it should be wrapping session. We topped it all off with Christmas Eve Posadas on Olvera Street. There was warmth in the air and children running around and vendors closing shop and restaurants filling up on the oldest street in L.A. as we waited outside the original adobe house there and listened to the musicians in colorful ponchos singing on the porch. Mary and Joseph came out looking somber in their polyester robes and shepherd’s canes. They were followed by singers with candles and then slowly the rest of the crowd fell into step behind them as they walked up and down the street looking for room at the inn. They were, of course, turned away again and again until they finally ended up back at the stables of the oldest house in L.A. The musicians played again, people sang, and then we all had sweet atole and pan dulce on the house. We drove home and fell asleep watching Christmas movies on the couch. Santa roused himself/herself to stuff the stockings and put the last minute gifts out, and then Christmas morning came all too soon. Or not soon enough for my 12 year old stepson, but it came just the same and we had a special breakfast, which is always unappreciated by the children in their haste for unwrapping, and then presents and the carnage of boxes and wrapping paper and packing peanuts etc etc. I haven’t slept well in oh, say, 11 weeks or so at least, but I slept even less last week, and by the time that I had cleaned up yesterday afternoon I had a headache and a cold. I fell asleep before Tim’s amazing homemade lasagna dinner, but I feel much better this morning. Man, Christmas is so much fun….sometimes too much!

I am happy to see that Torin loves Christmas though, even at only 10 weeks old. At least he loves the very best and most important things about Christmas. He loves people and was so entertained to see all the guests at the party, and to see the crowds on Olvera Street. He loves when we are all together as a family too, and enjoyed snuggling together and watching movies. He was so happy Christmas morning with Nick and Brick around and everyone laughing and talking. He got his first dose of the Christmas spirit, and it filled him with gladness, as it should.

Meditations on Mothering The Chief

From the persistent fog of my current, sleep deprived condition I have been craving to write, before I move too far away from this pivotal time, about the helpfulness of the tools that I gained from spending some serious time in meditation before Torin was born. (It’s only taken me seven weeks or so to get around to it….but I guess I have had other things to do.) I didn’t really realize at the time, but it was such a luxury to go so deeply into concentration during my last retreat. I think it was the last time that I will get much stillness of mind for many months. I got so sick of it at the time, but now I think back on it fondly. Isn’t that always the way?

I digress though. As I believe I have mentioned before, vipassana meditation retreats are deeply unpleasant, uncomfortable and quite a challenge, but so worthwhile. Labor is kind of like that, but magnified to the nth degree. And messier. I used the same tools though, that I had developed to get through unpleasant, uncomfortable, boring meditation sessions, to now get through those INCREDIBLY painful contractions that came to push him out into the world. I remembered that everything passes and changes, again and again, over and over. I tried to get outside of myself and observe my labors objectively. It really was helpful to manage the pain. And afterwards it really was helpful to hold onto those same lessons to ride out the incredible waves of intense emotion that came upon me in the first few weeks after his birth.

Another reason that I have been slow in writing this, is that I find it so hard to concentrate on a task like this these days. Throughout each day I am interrupted so many times by The Chief, and then a session of nursing, changing, soothing or amusing is in order, and when that job is through I don’t remember what it was that I was doing before. (It strikes me now that this is kind of like my life overall these days, in that I can’t quite imagine what I did with all my time before he came, and I also can’t quite imagine what I ever did without him.) At home though I am constantly finding evidence of my previously unfinished activities, like archeological remains of my morning, leaving clues for me to help me rediscover the narrative of my day. And then other tasks go undiscovered and slip my mind completely only to resurface days or weeks later, or perhaps not at all. (Sorry to any of you reading this that are perhaps waiting patiently for me to respond to something….I have forgotten.)

My mind works in these circles of distraction as well, which I notice most clearly when I am trying to meditate. It’s a success these days if I get a few minutes of concentration in during a 30 minute meditation session. As well, I spend much of my painting time rocking or nursing and looking at my half completed work, imagining what I would paint next if I could stop bouncing on the exercise ball with the fussy baby. It may take a few days before I actually get back to it. Slowly I plug along though!

So, those are some of the things that have changed. Now as I sit in a cabin in Big Sur where we have headed for our first family vacation with Torin, looking out at the Big Sur river flowing endlessly by under the redwoods, and as I sit here in my oh so distracted mind, in my ever changing life, I must just keep remembering that everything changes. I have to keep adjusting my goals, expectations and frequently change plans midstream. And I have to be good with all that, and for the most part I really am. Because The Chief is of primary concern. He is so precious, and every day, every week bring so many changes. So many new things that he can do, so many new articulations of who he is and who he will be. He as well is constantly changing. And the full force of my concentration is for the most part now focused on him. Just as during his birth all my energy went to his delivery to this world, and now many of the calories that I eat go to nourishing him and sating his hunger every couple of hours, also my concentration just naturally flows toward him and the protection and care of his tiny, helpless, (yet loud but incredibly cute,) little self.