Hedgehog

Written Approximately January 24th.

The wind and rain have pounded us here in L.A. for much of the last week. This is usually a cause for rejoicing in my book, but it wore on me this week. To match the weather I succumbed to some howling, rainy depression about the supreme court throwing our democracy to the corporate dogs, and the tarnished promise of this once so hopeful democratic regime of late. Also, like many, many fellow Americans, we continue to have enough financial difficulties at least to see some of our plans fade into a more distant future than we had hoped. I know that there are many, many people out there having such a harder time than us and I wonder when and how it will really end.

I just read a lovely novel though about finding joy, “The Elegance of the Hedgehog”. It’s heavy on philosophical musings and the main characters are tormented by the kind of existential dread and ennui that pretty much only has time to occur in a socialist democratic country with one of the highest standards of living in the world, (it’s French,) but their suffering is no less real, and their unexpected discoveries about life and each other are no less profound and beautiful.

The 12 year old existentially depressed protagonist writes in her journal after a visit to her grandmother, “We have to live with the certainty that we’ll get old and that it won’t look nice or be good or feel happy. And tell ourselves that it’s now that matters: to build something, now, at any price, using all our strength. Always remember that there’s a retirement home waiting somewhere and so we have to surpass ourselves every day, make every day undying. Climb our own personal Everest and do it in such a way that every step is a little bit of eternity.”

And the other protagonist is an intellectual but mousy and lonely little Parisian concierge. She is likened to a hedgehog, which are very lovely, helpful and peaceful little creature with prickly outsides. She’s a wonderful character and it’s a good read. I cheered myself up this week by looking up hedgehog references for this icon. They really are adorable and there is something absurd yet noble about them at the same time.

Today, while painting in the clear, sunny morning, I had a wonderful feeling of satisfaction. I felt like, “Oh, this is all I really need to do.” Other than eating, sleeping, praying and loving my family, this is all I really have to do. Funny how I forget that about every other minute or so, and then need to learn it all over again. Creating equals happiness. It doesn’t equal community, income, fame or prestige, at least not for me, but it’s actually doing the work, making the piece, that is more important than most of that anyway. Without that nothing matters anyway.

Whether you read these or not, thanks for being on my list, because having to send one of these out a week keeps me writing, and writing keeps me cleaning out my insides and putting everything in better order. It makes me better understand, accept, forgive what I find there, and challenges me to acknowledge kernels of lightness and goodness that I might just let stay buried otherwise.